The other day, we had a discussion (I did most of the bullshitting) about how breakfast is pretty good almost any time. When we went out to our usual Friday night Fish Fry date, I had some breakfast skillet instead. I thought there should be some restaurant that was JUST breakfast. None of that fancy stuff… none of those Mickey Mouse pancakes with whipped cream and sprinkles. A real breakfast. The kind where you don’t need to eat again. Ever. Eggs, bacon, spuds, maybe a slab of ham or steak – or both, toast, coffee, juice. Ok, maybe milk. Perhaps some fruit. None of that pussy food like oatmeal or bran flakes.
Furthermore, we are going to call this place “Sólo Desayuno!” It will be staffed by trained Hispanic cooks only and only cooking heart stopping American breakfast food. I don’t give a shit if these guys are legal or not, they can cook like insane maniacs. For that alone we should knock down all border fences and welcome them in to cook me something to eat.
In celebration of this grand idea, I decided that I should get started today. I think the idea happened upon me while I was not sleeping all night long. The dog must have a bladder the size of a pea or maybe he just thought there would be something magical out in the back yard… every 30 minutes or so. At 4:00 I decided enough was enough. I kicked the dog out, took a shower and began to work on my master plan for a kick ass breakfast. First, I would have to listen to a couple of follow up speeches from a couple of GOP candidates after yesterday’s primary. I was a little worried that my stomach would have turned by the end and I would no longer have any interest in eating for a few days. As this was not the case, I continued on. My stomach was only mildly irritated. I think it is sort of like building up an immunity to some poison by taking the poison in little doses over time. I was used to hearing their bullshit by now.
I was going to write this a couple of different ways. One as an artsy fartsy foodie kind of post using terms like savory and tantalizing and the other as I would normally write it – all smart assy. Perhaps to save time, I’ll do both in one.
Ahh! There’s nothing like a hearty breakfast to start your day. Even if your day started at four-fucking-O’clock because your dog had to pee… again. To start a scrumptious and savory meal like this, you first need to clean up after the people that left a mess in your sink earlier in the morning. Yes, it is much easier to just leave stuff in the sink than stick it in the unfilled dishwasher not more than 24 inches to your immediate left. Once that task is done, you hunt for some ingredients. Eggs, cheese, onions, celery and why not that leftover steak from last night? We’ll make an omelet thing.
After using a fine culinary instrument to dice and slice your goods, you should prepare coffee and throw some bacon in the pan. Even if you don’t drink coffee or eat bacon, the fragrant aroma will tell everyone in the house that someone’s in the kitchen and they better stay the fuck out.
Crack your eggs and stir them up in some old Tupperware measuring thing. If you do not have one, some bowl will probably do just fine.
Once the bacon is done, drain that grease and then sizzle up the leftover steak, celery and onions. Go ahead and make your breakfast a little zestier with a generous dollop of Salsa.
By now, your coffee should be ready. I also recommend warming your breakfast plates in the oven at 170 degrees. You can also keep your bacon warm at the same time. Amazing.
Add to this some toast and a couple slices of orange and there you go.
A delicious breakfast that will keep you going in the cold Wisconsin winter for a few hours while you blow snow. The real question here is… was this just a device to use my giant cock cup joke? Probably.