Monday 3.4.13

Colonoscopy, baby!

Today was the big day for me to be all grown up and get a Colonoscopy. Pretty much everyone told me their take on it from Doctors and other professionals to old guys who have walked into the shop recently. Everyone said it would be no big deal but the old guys usually just kind of laughed and had that look in their eye that says “Glad it is you.”

It made me wonder. It made me wonder a lot more when I saw the size of the gallon jug of “stuff to clean me out” sitting on the table. I think someone figured out how to pack two gallons into a one gallon jug. Pretty diabolical. So… I did the light diet thing and drank almost all of the solution – yuck after a while. I had done research prior to this to see how many people have died from getting one but usually all I could come up with was how many people did NOT die, thanks to a Colonoscopy. I felt a little better. Then… 3 hours into drinking this stuff, I was not getting any results. I figured I’d be good watching this week’s episode of “The Walking Dead” but part way into it my solution decided I could watch it on a re-run. Damn.

After spewing all that could be spewn, we went to the hospital this morning. No paper boxer shorts today, I got the full on hospital gown with purple socks – the kind with little kitty foot prints on them so I would not slip around much. Yep, it was time to MAN UP.

We sat for a couple of hours… people came in and out of the room to tell me what would be going on and even had me fill out a menu for the after meal. Bacon was circled immediately. Maybe twice.


I thought wearing that hair net like a beret made me feel more European.

Finally, people came in to wheel me into the special “gonna stick this in your butt” room. I recall the ride there and seeing the little monitor screen. I recall someone saying “we want you to roll over on your left side.”


The next thing I remember is someone asking if I was ready to eat. I was back in the room where I started. I think I was pretty stupid for a few moments… asking questions about things I had evidently just asked about. I recall farting. And then… Bacon.

After, I was quite impressed with my new breast augmentation…


All in all, not a big deal. One polyp removed. Bacon was tasty.

2 responses

  1. Matthew

    Good for you. I didn’t get an “after” meal, they just sent my farty butt home. I also had an EGD done at the same time, I just told them to make sure they used the right cameras etc for the right holes. Part of getting to be “older.”

    March 4, 2013 at 9:31 pm

  2. Your outfit with the paws makes it look like you went to the veterinary hospital instead of the PEOPLE hospital. 😛

    March 5, 2013 at 8:12 pm

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