Monday 8.19.13

Last time on the blog, I told you the tale of the Pickle Queen. Well, the tale continues. It seems as if it was only yesterday (it was yesterday) when I had arrived at home and as I was stepping out of the vehicle I heard a voice off in the distance. “HEEEYYYYYYYYYYY!” said the voice. I looked around to discover the actual Pickle Queen poking her head out of the side door of her house. I took a quick look around to see if, in fact, she was directing her shout at me or some neighborhood kid. The tone kind of had that same “get out of my yard and quit soaping* my windows” quality about it. She was talking to me.

I walked over to her house and up to the side door. She had gone inside and I wondered if I was supposed to hang around in the driveway or follow her inside. I thought about the kitchen, the kitchen floor and some expired pet history. It was time to stay alert.

From the driveway I could see her rummaging around in a refrigerator. Soon, she was headed in my direction. She came outside and handed me my very own jar of pickles!


Wow! I asked her if the couple from the other night had found her and delivered their cucumbers. They had. We discussed the whole “finding the pickle queen” adventure and she told me that she has been making pickles for people for many years. The jar I received contained sweet pickles, not the coveted dill pickles that earned her the crown. I will have to wait for some of those… or maybe I have to wait until I’m more worthy. You know, go kill a dragon or conquer Madison or something like that.

The skinny, 77 year old, one link short of chain smoking, gray haired Pickle Queen then requested my presence in her back yard to view her “Hibiscus“. Okay, smart ass… Hibiscus is not code for something else. She has an actual (actually two) hibiscus plant flowering in her back yard along with other plants. We had a neighborly discussion and I found out that her husband has been in the nursing home for almost a year. I guess I’ll pay a little more attention to what is going on over there, just in case. Even with all of the pet death and stuff, she’s a nice lady. A nice lady with a lovely hibiscus. Again, not code for anything.

*Soaping windows: Hey kids! Here’s a fun Halloween prank that you better not let me catch you doing… Soaping windows. When I came to Wisconsin I discovered that the weapon of choice – at least in this town –  was shaving cream. Shaving cream? WTF? Recalling my own Halloweenering youth, I remembered “soaping windows.” Yes, there was also “waxing” windows but soaping was much kinder to the one you are pranking. With either one of those you have to have the balls to actually go up to the window and do some actual work – and hope you were not caught doing it. None of that pussy ass shaving cream bullshit. With a bar of soap, which is easy to find and cheaper than parafin AND your Mom does not have to notice that you swiped a candle from her dining room table… you can make all of the marks you want and it is easy for the person you are vandalizing to clean it off. I mean, shit… the soap is already there. It is kind of like you are almost helping them out, right? Those windows need cleaning at least once each year, usually on November 1st. With wax, they need to scrape it off with a razor. That’s just too much pissing around. Stick with soap. Forget the shaving cream.



2 responses

  1. hkpuss

    I like my pickles sweet and my windows soaped.

    August 19, 2013 at 3:14 pm

  2. I liked this. I’m not sure if I should “like” it. I see I have competition for my canning-arts.

    August 20, 2013 at 7:13 pm

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