Tuesday 12.10.13

Warning, don’t read this if you’ve recently eaten.

Another winter day. Winter does not really begin until the 21st, but here it is.

snow2013-7075

I imagine it will be a long, hard winter. With temps at an exact “omg”, today was a good day to do things like work on the upstairs project…

upstairs-1

And, check the stats on this blog. I do that once in a while just to see who is looking at this thing. Today’s big winner: Sweden with 187 hits followed by USA at 110 and Germany at 85. USA and Germany, sure, I know they are into some weird stuff but Sweden? I had to investigate.

We all know Sweden to be the King of Sexy, right? Swedish Stewardesses and all that. Tall blonds with cone shaped breasts and bee-hive hair dos. I thought I should take a closer look and find out just how kinky they are over there.

I did a little research and found this link. Hmm. Interesting. More interesting was watching a somewhat live Marlo Thomas at the end of the article with a couple of experts. Holy shit, Marlo… what the hell happened to you?

Okay, back on topic. My research continued and I found myself looking at a Swedish Bondage video. Here is my review of “Amateur Swedish Bondage I by (name withheld).”
We start out as in many of the bondage video situations we’ve all seen before: a fully lit gymnasium. Yeah, some of us kinksters might think of a dungeon or some medieval looking shit but no, not these Swedes. We are introduced to the lovely Klara (picked a Swedish name out of my ass) wearing nothing but a ball gag and a little bit of rope as she is tied to some kind of a post. Why there is a post in the middle of the gym floor, I have no idea. She has that crazed “Hey, I’m bound” look in her eyes as she patiently waits for her master or perhaps her captor.
In walks our old friend, Olof (had another Swedish name in my ass, Olof was not actually IN my ass, thank you) fresh from his job at the iron ore processing plant. Working with iron, one tends to bulk up and that very thick mat of back hair often protects against the unforgiving heat of molten iron. In this scene, Olof shares with us his mighty attractive purple man-panties with the high riding stringy waistband. Oh, Olof!
My own version of MST3K… me and my plastic mannequin. Sorry, I have no robots.
mymst3k
Olof gently (awkwardly) fingers his prey as he, in an equally graceful style, bangs his purple man-pantied crotch against her leg. Good thing ALL of the lights are on in this gymnasium so we can get a good view. After this activity goes on for a bit and while we figure out that that is NOT a full back tattoo on Olof but in fact is Olof’s back hair… He pulls out a great big dildo-ish thing (or maybe it was some kind of long root) and begins to torment or pleasure the lovely and bound Klara.
Man, this guy GOTS SKILZ, SON! Ever so weirdly he touches the dildo-ish thing to Klara’s crotch area. Bear in mind that Klara is standing straight up with her legs tied together. Nothing like making it difficult to get into Klara’s special area. There’s some touching and tapping and twisting… and then some other tapping and twisting. At one point, Olof sticks a finger in there to see for himself that there is, in fact, some kind of opening down there. There is… so why can’t I jam this dildo-ish looking thing (maybe a root) into that unreachable hole?
Trying again, Olof fails miserably. He stands and walks around the post, strutting his purple man-panties along the way. “Oh, Olof…suck on only one of my breasts while awkwardly handling my junk like a load of hot iron ore”, is what Klara would be saying right now if she did not have that ball gag in her mouth. “And while you do that, slam your purple encased man-meat on my other leg for a while…

I can’t take the review thing anymore… I’m spent.

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