A Tale of Whoa!
I bank about 60 miles away and actually have to go there once in a while. It is a nice trip and I get to take a look at things along the way. Along the route, there’s a store I visit once in a while because they have weird things that I can use as photo props… but they also sell meat and cheese products.
Not finding anything special, I thought I should at least go home with some treats. They had a stick of jalapeno summer sausage that looked tasty, some kind of mango and cream cheese spread… and the most spectacular brick of smoked cheddar cheese I’ve seen in a while. These would all be mine!
I arrived back at home around lunch time and these goodies were talking to me. There was no way I could just stick them in the fridge for later. I unwrapped the block of smoked cheddar and sectioned it into 3 chunks. 2 went into baggies and I would work on the remaining chunk and create a breadboard cheese and meat display. It was damn good. It would be better with crackers. I then proceeded to make some grilled cheese and leftover steak sandwiches. Later, when visiting the local Piggly Wiggly, Triscuits found their way into our cart. Later, a few more cuts to snack on and probably even more later in the evening.
Sunday, the cheese suggested that I use it in an omelet. I could not say no, it was a great idea. I would be fending for myself for the next couple of days as less cheese-infused people were heading to camp for a couple of days. Of course, since I was only now cooking for me, why not just eat cheese and crackers? Oh, add to that a little more jalapeno summer sausage. Sounds fine.
I woke up Monday morning feeling kind of stiff and achy. Thinking it was simply because I’m old, it was no big deal. I think I made a grilled cheese and meat sandwich for lunch. That night, I sensibly ate some meat and potatoes meal. Later, I snacked once again on smoked cheddar. Monday night there was little sleep at all and I was having an unpleasant stabbing pain in my back that ran all the way up to my neck. Sitting was the only thing I could do as going to any kind of horizontal position was too painful.
Tuesday morning I hobbled around and got ready to go to work – which suddenly was going to be a busy week and I needed to get stuff done. I would take a couple of steps and then have to stop, doubled over from back pain and then try to muster the strength and courage to stand up and take a couple more steps. I went to work and painted a sandwich board. Some guy came in around 10 and had me make him a few letters. I tried to not let on that I was half dead at that moment. By 11:45, I needed to go home and sit down so I put a note on the door telling people I’d be back at 1. 1 never happened. When I got home and managed to actually get in the house, I hobbled up the stairs to give the cat some food and then hobbled back down. The cat came over and gave me a look like “what the hell is wrong with you?” and I sort of passed out for a couple of hours sitting on the couch.
That night, the less cheese-infused came home with Max and discovered my situation. I would sleep in the upright position Tuesday night. Wednesday morning was rough again and by now I had figured out that I was not having a heart attack and that I probably over did it with the smoked cheddar. (it WAS fucking delicious)
Having had no luck in the throne room since Monday morning, I was a little concerned. Everything inside me had simply shut down. Nothing was moving, no gas production was going on. I would somehow overcome this. As the morning went on, I actually started to feel better or had more mobility. I took Max to the shop for a while and was informed that I had an appointment at 1:45 with the Doc. By that time, I was actually feeling like I was in much better shape and that there must be some people out there with more serious and real issues that could take my time at the clinic… but no, I was not getting out of the visit.
So, I went and told the Doctor what I thought had happened – that I was full of shit. After hearing my tale and feeling my back and giving my colon a squeeze, she agreed. She was also pretty good at keeping her laughter to a minimum. If we would have looked, things would probably have looked like this:
Things are moving once again and I am on the mend.