Monday 12.7.15

Terror, baby.

Remember when you used to hear about all of the crazy shit that was happening all over the world… car bombs, suicide bombers and stuff like that? Remember when this horrible and awful stuff was happening in some other country and for THEM, it seemed like a daily way of life for those people?

Well, guess what? That is us.

Remember back in the days after 911 when we invented Homeland Security and then Homeland Security invented a new method of alerting us to the possibility of terror events that may occur? It was a color system… Green, Blue, Yellow, Orange and Red. Colors are not really very scary. We see colors all of the time and we are conditioned to not be too alarmed unless it is the result of some god-awful wardrobe choice.


Now, the boys and girls over at Homeland Security are coming up with a new alert system but have not unveiled it at the moment of me writing this. Unable to wait, I decided to come up with my own plan. My hope is that I’ve included things that truly make a difference with people.


Low: Things are not good, someone made a green bean casserole and expects you to try it. You would rather not.

Guarded: Seriously? You bring a fucking green bean casserole EVERY time! Tots and those dry onion things are NOT food. How dare you?

Elevated: Oh, geez… we have to get together again? With those people? Didn’t we already do Christmas one time?

High: You hear your cat barfing. This alarm wakes you up every time. You need to find it NOW or you’ll find it later… it’ll be cold and you’ll be barefoot and in a hurry to get to work.

Severe: Did you ever just check on your baby to see if it was still breathing? Did you ever like lean into the crib a little closer just to make sure? Did you ever just for a split second not hear any breathing? Yeah, it’s that Severe now.

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